Monthly Archives: October 2009

When I think back on the hours that made up today, I take a deep breath and calmly repeat, “BREATHE, DAMN IT!!!!! BREATHE!” I try again…”CALM THE HELL DOWN! BREATHE!”  I try once more, fail again, and then just say, “Aww, screw it. At least it’s over.”  Here’s the thing.  I realize that my path will not always be the path that others agree with, approve of, or can even tolerate.  But, put that mushy stuff aside for two seconds and let me vent: I freaking HATE the feeling that boils up inside me when someone questions the dedication that I have to my daughter…  “Be sure she’s not just an item on your to do list” was the general statement.  A TO-DO list?!?!? MY little girl?!?! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?!?  While I understand that this person has years of “experience” with children, I was so hurt by the assumption that because I have chosen to live a life that is fulfilling to both Ellie Graye and me, that I’m putting her in the fast lane.  I live on a farm – HELLO!  I love growing, learning, and developing the person I am, the mother I am…but the manner in which the message was delivered was just plain hurtful.  You can rock and sing your child to sleep every night, but the next morning destroy any sense of security, love, stability and safety in one simple sentence.  THAT my friends is the parenting insight I’m taking with me from today.  I hope to process this in a manner that will stay with me…because, boy, oh boy, it SUCKS to be on the other side of hurtful words.

Despite the yucky feeling that seemed to have taken up residence in my belly for the day, it was awesome to see so many of my friends speak up in the discussion on “sleep training” (that’s what instigated the whole commotion in the first place).  Many of the Facebook moms put in their two cents, and, while not all of our choices for feeding, sleeping, and child-rearing have been the same, the openness that everyone showed was really astounding.   The “advice” that came in the form of their own personal experiences was such a breath of fresh air, and there seemed to be a general feeling of camaraderie that I’m not sure I had yet felt with other mothers.   Whatever our weaknesses in parenting are (which I’m sure there are plenty), there is strength together – thank you, friends, for encouraging me to not second guess myself, to listen to my own heart, and to stay strong on the path I have chosen!

Phew. That’s done.  NOW I can take a deep breath.  That’s the beauty of writing, isn’t it!  It’s so cleansing!

Frank is doing better today, I think.  He’s urinating regularly, eating regularly, and drinking regularly.  His manure is still funky, and his legs, sheath and belly still swollen, but those would logically be the last to get better.  We’ve got no idea what it is, so I’m just hoping for the best.

The rain kept me inside most of the day, but I still went out to give Frankie his medicine, and do a once-over to be sure he hadn’t taken a turn for the worse.  Since it was pouring rain, I decided that it’d be fine to check him in his stall…what I failed to think through was that Avdou does NOT like it when I give Frank attention and not him…so, as I was bending down feeling Frank’s hind legs, Avdou took a good, strong bite of his ass. Frank went flying, I went flying, and Avdou, after seeing the look in my eye, went flying.  Frank, being the horse that he is, attempted to avoid stepping on me, and while he didn’t crush me beneath his feet, he did manage to nail my knee and my thigh with some part of his body.  No idea what body part hit what, but lord almighty, I’ve got bruises everywhere and a big ol’ lump on my head that just appeared out of no where! Oh, the joys of farm life!

SOOOOOOO…just because I didn’t have enough going on today, I continued preparing for Friday’s Halloween party.  I added to the decorations in the living room, made ID tags for appetizers, made the ID tag holders (which are mighty creative, if I do say so myself), made the bread bowls for Jeffrey’s Hannibal Lecter heads, prepped the blackberry/thyme juice for the margaritas, and racked my brain to figure out what else to make for hor d’oeuvres!

The Papen household is bustling with activity this week!  We’re having our first Deer Park Farms Halloween Bash on Friday night, and everyone is in high gear preparing for the big night!  The doorway is decorated, the mantle adorned, and little touches can be found everywhere…but, most importantly, the smells of the holidays are wafting from the kitchen!

The weekend flew by in a flash.  Saturday it was just me and Ellie Graye until late afternoon when Jeffrey arrived from his long drive from California with the Mercedes.  We spent lots of time checking on Frankie, playing and even headed to buy some boots for EG (she picked out an adorable pair)!

My brothers came over in the evening and tasted my Tomato Sage Soup and grilled cheese after taking a nice walk around the property in the crisp fall air.  I LOVE that they come visit so frequently – it really always makes my day brighter.

Sunday was a slow day…Jeffrey helped out so much both with Ellie and in the kitchen!!!  Being a family really is an incredible experience…at times I’m a total pain in the ass when Jeffrey comes home, and he still is patient and loving.  I’m used to things being done my way, in my time, and to my liking, and adjusting to having him back can be a bit tricky.  In all honesty, he tries so damn hard not to disturb our routine, but I’m not always so great at communicating what our routine IS!  I’m working on that part!  He is incredibly helpful – I just have to tell him what I need, and not assume that he can read my mind – he can’t!!!! Sigh.  The joys of relationships!  I’m learning – slowly, but surely!

Picked up EG at Grandma Lene’s house, and then we all headed out to swim class.  Mom was amazed to see that Ellie can dive to the bottom of the pool, pick up rings, and bring them back to the surface.  As much as I am an advocate of infant swim, I think I sometimes lose perspective on what “normal” is.  I’d venture to bet that 99% of my readers have never seen a 15 month old child dive to the bottom of the pool, swim back up, and ask to do it again!  It’s funny how the awe goes away…it takes more and more to impress me, I guess! 🙂  I can’t imagine what it must take to impress Kelley at SwimBabes!

 For those of you who haven’t seen this yet, it’s Ellie Graye at 13+ months:

ellieSwim from jake carvey on Vimeo.

The rest of the day I spent…….well….take a wild guess……yep, BAKING!  I made cupcakes, coffin brownies, roasted pumpkins and then made pumpkin pie bread (from our pumpkins), as well as painted more of those cookies that I have pictured above.  Tomorrow will be more of the same…swimming, decorating and baking! 🙂